I make fun of people. A lot. Like pretty much all the time. If I'm not making fun of you while speaking to your face, then I'm definitely making fun of you in my mind. I stay far, far away from people claiming to have E.S.P. in fear they'll incite a mob of people who will burn me at the stake for being a hateful monster. By the way, I also stay away from people with V.D., but for totally different reasons.
I'm convinced my internal monologue should have its own TV show. Honey Boo Boo ain't got nothing on me! I'm absolutely...
I hear a lot of shit. And because I decided I’m too lazy to turn some of this shit into individual stories, I’m going to entertain you with a compilation of lines I’ve heard while out being a sexy cat on the town.
With commentary by yours truly, of course.
First up, a holiday story. It’s December. I’m at a dive bar (shocking, I know). There was a guy there wearing an ugly Christmas sweater even though he was not in attendance at an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. As an added bonus, this sweater smelled like it had never been washed. Actually, it probably smelled more like it had been...
Posted by: leigh
March 15, 2012 |
March 15, 2012
As I’ve mentioned before, I have a penchant for accents. If you have an accent, the likelihood of me humping your leg increases exponentially.
Summer 2011 I met a guy named Paolo. He was from Italy, but had been living in the states for some time. He was covered head to toe in tattoos. As if this didn’t make him sexy enough, he was really fun and funny. Not to mention the accent.
Good chance he would be “in” as well, if he wanted. (wink, wink)
Unfortunately, we met the day before he was leaving to go to Nebraska for work for a month. We did some light texting and talked...
Another date with another guy I met online. Honestly, I don’t know why I bother anymore, other than I need content for this blog. Granted, online dating gave me a brief instance of faith after I fell in love with someone (who later broke my heart).But I picked myself up, tucked my fat back into my Spanxand decided to start trolling online for his replacement. I got a bite from a guy who had a somewhat...
It was the summer of 2011 and I had just finished a long, hard run and was quite proud of myself for not tripping, falling or shearing off any sort of skin on my body.
To paint the picture more clearly, I looked like I had just gone for a swim in a sticky, salty creek that also had caused all the blood to rush to my face. My hair was falling out of my ponytail, with strange curls sticking up in every direction. I was wearing clothes that should match, but were instead ill-fitting and causing some sort of chafing on my legs and boobs. This was causing me to walk like I had been...
Summer 2011 for me was, apparently, the summer of weddings. Plus side: Six weddings in a short time span is a really good way to 1) Have fun with your friends 2) Embarrass yourself profusely by getting way too drunk and, last but not least, 3) Get strange business cards from a foreigner.
When I arrived at one wedding in July, I knew it was going to be a good night when I saw the band setting up and recognized them from a wedding I had been to the month before. They were called Hey Jimmy. I proceeded to introduce myself while relatively sober, reminding them of the wedding I had been...
My good friends got married last April in St. Louis. Because it was an out-of-town wedding and I did not like any man in my life enough to commit to spending almost three days straight with him, I chose to go as a party of one. My other friend did the same.
The wedding was a blast. I met people that will surely be lifelong friends and, most likely, be part of the wedding party at my own wedding.
I also exaggerate.
I seriously made some best friends for that night, though, for sure … but have yet to talk to them again.
The wedded couple had set up an area during the reception to take...
Having had one too many multiple-night stands with that herpes-infested slut Carol, it was time to find a new late-night haunt. Although it is ONLY open until 3 a.m. on Saturdays, Richard’s in West Town is a pretty good mistress … I mean replacement.
Sidenote: The last time I was there, Rocky the bartender let us stay after the bar closed and smoke AT THE BAR. Old-school green ashtrays and all! Although I don’t smoke much anymore, it felt really good to be smoking inside a drinking establishment. Especially in the dead of winter.
Cough, cough. Really good. Cough. Who’s cool now?
Posted by: leigh
AA, alcohol, dating
August 31, 2011 |
August 31, 2011
I consider myself a pretty supportive person. If a friend is in need, I’ll be there ... in most cases. However, if you are looking to get and/or stay sober, I’m not sure I would be the best sponsor for you. I’m pretty sure drinking is not allowed in Alcoholics Anonymous, correct?
Yeah. I wouldn’t be the best sponsor.
So I find myself on a date with a cute young guy. We were at a local Italian restaurant, and I opted to order a glass of red wine with dinner. I just drank ONE glass, people. I didn’t polish off a bottle and dance on the table with a short skirt and no underwear on. I usually...
Honestly, I don’t go out to bars looking to hook up. I often get made fun of by my single friends for how I tend to befriend the oddest, oldest person in the bar. My friends are all talking to single studs and I’m talking to the guy who looks like the Empire Carpet man. What can I say? I like characters and am entertained by strangeness and interesting life stories.
This is not to say I don’t meet people. As you have been reading over the last year, I don’t have a problem meeting a lot of people. It’s never my intention,...