I went through a brief period of not wearing underwear. It seemed like the thing to do?  Everyone’s gone through this phase, right? It’s somewhat like the phase we all go through when you just don’t ever shower. Everyone goes through that phase too, right? RIGHT???? I wear a lot of skirts and dresses. I just think they are more comfortable. Most likely because I’m shaped like I’m ready to hit the pool (INNER TUBE FASTENED). Anywhoodle, my stint of not wearing underwear ended abruptly after a disastrous date to Navy Pier, during which my wrap dress blew open in the breeze and exposed...

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The summer before my junior year of college, something very lucky happened to me: My Mom’s Mazda broke down. OK, so I guess it wasn’t too lucky for my parents. But it was lucky for me because they said I could keep the car if I agreed to pay for the repairs, which would be extensive. I quickly realized that my camp counselor paycheck would probably not cut it, so I decided to get a second job as a server at Max n’ Ermas. I had never been a server before, but how hard could it be? In hindsight, I think a large part of my serving “issues” could be chalked up to sheer exhaustion. I spent...

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Years ago, I began a job search when I felt that my current employer was on to the fact that I came into work hungover every Monday and spent most of my time personal emailing. Actually, in all honesty, I was looking for a bigger challenge. I’m prone to boredom. Hell, aren’t we all? Isn’t that why you’re reading this shit? I digress. So I interviewed with a company and it went really well. They wanted me to meet all the head honchos during a second interview. It was in Seattle. I was pretty psyched because I had never been to Seattle. I’m really quite attracted to hippie granola...

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About a block from my house is a very beautiful, old church. Although I have yet to see the inside of the church, I have great views of it from my apartment, especially from my porch. I often can be found out on my porch breathing in the fresh air and contemplating life as I stare off into the distance at the church steeples. What is the meaning of life? Where did we come from? Who are we? Where are we going? Fine. Usually the only reason I’m on my porch is to have the occasional cigarette. Hey! I might be contemplating life. You don’t know. But usually I’m just contemplating...

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I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned in prior posts the size of my ass. Recap: It’s not small. It’s large and it’s in charge. It also likes for me to feed it vast amounts of cheese and anything Mexican. How else is it supposed to stay so large? I give the ass what it wants because, once again, it’s in charge. Men may think with their dicks, but I think with my ass. Which is a bit of an issue, if you really think about it. You would think I would have a relatively easy time riding a bicycle as a result of all this mass following me around. I bought a really nice bicycle last...

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When I was little, I was a midget football cheerleader. This required me to jump around one day a week in a cute little pleated skirt. Not much skill was involved. Hell, I’m not even sure we ever practiced. I basically would show up, wave my pom-pom like it was a snow globe, and eagerly take down the orange slices and juice boxes at half time. My parents were REALLY proud. Fast forward to sophomore year of high school. I opted to try out for basketball cheerleading, as I realized all the coveted football cheerleading spots already would be taken by girls way cooler than me. Not only were...

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My new job requires me to schedule visits with customers to check in and see how our company is doing in the hopes of getting more referrals. I feel pretty comfortable talking to most people, but already have found my klutziness to be quite a deterrent to my work at hand. I shadowed someone during my first four weeks as a way to be introduced and get to know our customers in regards to what they like, what they need, their service expectations, etc. I really liked the young lady I was shadowing, and actually would have liked for us to continue to tag team. We had oodles of car dance parties,...

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I love being tan. I’m not sure if it’s because it makes me look less fat or if it’s because I really only enjoy doing things that I am good at. I tan very well, people. It took a lot of time and practice, but let’s just say I’m a professional. Fine. My Dad is 100% Greek and I happened to acquire his olive skin tone. Since the dawn of time I’ve been a sun baby. Back in high school and college I would use any kind of oil available. It was rather effective. Not only could I Crisco up my body for tanning purposes, but then I could rub my body with the chicken legs and stick them...

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After having one of the most spectacular vacations of my life, it was unfortunately time to go home. I was the only American in the tour group and one of the only people taking just one week of vacation. I only get three weeks of vacation a year and often found myself throughout the trip wanting to bitch slap the Europeans talking about their next adventures to Bolivia, Argentina and beyond. My last night in Peru a bunch of the party animals went out. As it often happens, I got wasted, stayed out way too late and only managed to sleep about an hour before my 6 AM alarm rang. I had an 8:10 flight...

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My Dad owns a speed boat, which is older than me by MANY years. And the very bright green vessel breaks down EVERY time we take it out. Literally every time. My Dad refuses to get rid of this boat though, as it was his favorite uncle’s boat. The boat is named the Green Demas and is quite famous in the family. I’m pretty sure we’re quite famous in all of Illinois, to be honest. I could probably write a daily blog about the Green Demas with the number of stories I have. One story involves us breaking down and my Dad forcing my brother to attempt to SWIM and PULL the boat to shore (and...

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