Apparently, not only do I have horrible luck and/or taste in men, but my friends do as well.
A friend of mine was under hot pursuit by a local bartender at her favorite late night hang. He was young, flirtatious and even with his faux mullet was pretty handsome. She agreed to meet him out for a date.
They went out for dinner and were both having a grand old time discussing their common interests, including hair metal bands and jorts (aka, jean shorts). Things were looking good!
After dinner they went to a local bar that my friend frequents a lot. She is friendly with a lot of the other bartenders and patrons. Can you blame the girl? I’ve promised my first born for drink deals.
After a few cocktails, the date excused himself to go to the bathroom. As one Poison song after another played, my friend became a bit concerned, as it had been 10 minutes and he still had not emerged from the bathroom. They had the most romantic seat in the house with a bird’s eye view of the john, so she nervously kept her eyes peeled.
After about 15 minutes she decided to knock on the door to make sure he was ok. When there was no answer after minutes of repeated knocking, she opened the door and lo and behold no one was in there! What she did notice was the very small window was open. She could only surmise he had pulled a Houdini.
How had this 6’2” guy stuffed himself through a window the size of a Gremlin (the 80s monster, not the car)? She sniffed her armpits and checked her face in the brown-stained mirror to ensure everything was in place. Things seemed to be going so well, what happened? She cursed his name, kicked a few of the discarded prophylactics on the floor and proceeded to partake in several rounds of shots. She went home confused but drunk.
The next day she received a call from Houdini who casually asked, “Hey, how are ya?” as if nothing had happened. In a state of shock she responded, “I’m fine, but what the hell happened to you last night? You escaped our date out of the window?”
“Yeah,” he said with a laugh. “I felt really intimidated and uncomfortable around your guy friends so I just had to leave. I had a lot of fun though! So, wanna grab dinner sometime this week?”
She then pulled a disappearing act of her own by hanging up on him and refusing to answer any of his subsequent calls.
If you need to exit a date, regardless of the reasons, use the door. If you have a family emergency and have to go home to shave your grandma’s legs, use the door. If you somehow contract rabies from a squirrel and are foaming at the mouth and need immediate medical attention, use the door. If you are having withdrawl symptoms from your excessive heroin use and need a fix, USE THE DOOR.
Seriously, it’s not that complicated!