I spent most of my college years in a long-distance, serious relationship. However, this did not stop me from being the crazy bitch that I am – it just put more boundaries on my craziness. I don’t look back with any regrets, as I did learn a lot from that relationship. And I figured it saved me from ever contracting The Clap.
Ironically, two of my best friends/roommates also were in long-term relationships for most of their college years. So, for the most part, I could say that none of my roommates were at all promiscuous. I mean, if you count humping inanimate objects then I’m a SERIOUS slut. But all and all I surrounded myself with fun, but respectable, women.
(Where did I end up going wrong??? I know, I know!)
So anyway, by senior year in college things had ended with that boyfriend, although we were still talking, “hanging out,” etc. Things basically were not at all “over.” I mean, technically I was single, but I also was still very much tied up with my ex.
Unhealthy and inconsistent? For sure.
Our new roommate that year was a swingin’ single. Although not the type to ever bring random boys home. She was a great role model for me, in other words.
So it was another typical night in college: I drank too much, did stupid stuff, then went home and passed out after inhaling some Gumby Sticks (Shout out to all of my U of I peeps!). My new friend/roomie asked her friend of the male variety to come back to our place after a party. They were just friends, but I think she was hopeful for more. I was in my bedroom, supposedly fast asleep. I really do not have any recollection of the following events…but I basically helped ensure they stayed only friends.
I’m not sure if I smelled man or what, but all my friend knew was that her and her desired love toy were sitting on the couch talking when they heard the creak of my door open. I came dashing down the hallway in a full sprint and did a swift pounce onto his lap – with my arms curled up like a cat baring its claws. I somehow managed to get myself spread eagle on his lap while trying to tickle or disrobe him – no one is really sure to this day. I also was emitting some sort of weird noise. My friend had never heard this noise from any human before, but said it was a cross between a growl, a giggle and a hiss. And I was doing it loudly.
Thankfully this guy had a sense of humor and was not too scared off. After some persuading, I agreed to dismount him and returned reluctantly to my bedroom. God only knows what kind of dreams I had that evening. Dreams of beards, tool belts, jock straps and other manly things likely danced in my head.
This experience was a clear sign to me that I had to get back out there in the dating world…and fast. I was needing some consistent testosterone in my life and couldn’t risk having my roommates kick me out for dry humping their boyfriends.
I cringe when I think about the stories that could have been told had my roommates brought more dudes around.
Catastrophe for them.
Heaven for me.
You bitches go do all the hard work and I will sit back and “fake sleep,” then when you least expect it, pounce on them like it’s no one’s business.
Moral of the Story:
Even if you are trying to be funny, do not spread eagle your best friend’s friend, boyfriend, husband or father’s lap. It is not appropriate!
And for anyone who is thinking of having me as a roommate, locks on the OUTSIDE of the door will likely be necessary. I can’t promise my ninja ass won’t kick down the door, but you have a fighting chance I won’t try to ride any of your late-night guests like a naughty unicorn.
You don’t think unicorns can be naughty? Oh no. Trust me.
They can be very, very naughty.
Spring 2000 = Time for spring break during my junior year in college!
Two of my roommates and I decided, last minute, to book a trip to Mexico....