As you’ve realized, not all of my stories will be about me. I also write stories about friends. Basically, I get the facts and weave them into a tale that resembles my voice and, more importantly, my sense of humor.
My stories are not necessarily about heterosexual relationships either. They will involve stories about my gay friends. Seriously, gay or straight, men have issues.
I know, I know! Some of us females do as well. (And by us, I mean every other female but me, of course.)
A friend of mine had gone on a “date” with another young man. And by “date” I mean he met some strange, hot dude at a bathhouse. Read between the lines all you want. (And by lines I mean butt cheeks.)
Seriously, bathhouses do exist. I didn’t think it was true either (what are we, in ancient Rome???) Even though you’re in a “bath” house, the whole concept sounds dirty and rather unappealing. Then again, women have a bathhouse – it’s called a sports bar. Instead of towels, we wear a low-cut shirt, some heels and bada bing bada boom…should you so chose, someone in that bar is willing to take you home. Even if they don’t find you attractive.
Men are pigs.
Back to the house of bath. So my friend and his conquest have a grand night together. I imagine lots of sweating, slapping and maybe even some spitting.
My friend awakens the next morning to the sun shining in his windows. He hears the birds tweeting (like serious chirping, not on his PC) a pleasant melody only meant for his ears. He thinks back to the night before and smiles fondly.
He quietly gets up so as not to disturb the sleeping stranger at his side and pads to the bathroom to begin his morning routine. He washes his face with a chic, expensive wash and, afterward, does a very thorough moisturizing job.
He then begins to brush his teeth. Several seconds later, Sleeping Beauty pokes his head into the bathroom with a smile on his face and says to my friend, “Hey, you don’t mind if I use the bathroom while you’re in here?”
As he has a mouth full of toothpaste, my friend smiles and nods.
Sleeping Beauty then goes over to the toilet, sits down and begins TAKING A DUMP. At first, my friend thought, noooo that’s not what he’s doing. Maybe he pees sitting down??? The room then began to smell and my friend began to gag on his toothpaste. He quickly exited the bathroom and attempted to jump out his window. Living on the third floor, he likely wouldn’t die but he was hoping for at least a few broken bones. Or, at the very least, a stick to puncture his nostril and perhaps his eyes to be smashed to oblivion. Although that still would not wipe the memory from his brain.
This TOTAL STRANGER thought nothing of dropping a deuce IN THE SAME ROOM with some guy he just boned the night before. Who does that????
I’m a very open person. I will talk to virtually anyone about anything. The one thing I don’t like talking about? Bodily fluids/functions or anything that might look or smell icky. It’s gross, and I won’t admit to even going Number Two.
I know most couples who have been together awhile might do that in front of one another. They usually don’t even know how it evolved to that, but it does. I cannot fathom it.
I have never even peed in front of a guy before. The guy I dated for years and years, for whatever reason used the same stall as me once. I made him turn around so as not to watch me pee and made him cover his ears as well!
I find NOTHING vaguely romantic about anything involving a toilet. The last thing I want a romantic partner to equate me to is urine or feces.
I already have enough negative associations with my name.
If you have just had a one-night stand, don’t assume it’s ok to take a crap in his or her bathroom WHILE HE OR SHE IS IN THE ROOM.
I should rephrase that. One-night stand, dating for months, dating for years…I repeat…DO NOT ASSUME that it’s ok to CRAP when someone else in the room.
In my book? That is never ok. It smells. It’s gross. I don’t want any part of it. Close the door, light a match, wash your hands and let’s pretend this didn’t happen.
Suffice it to say, Sleeping Beauty called and texted often to try for a repeat of their wild night. My friend wanted no part of what he called the “Shit Monster.”
Sidenote: Seriously, bathhouses? Seriously? Don’t pick up a random guy in a steam room and expect he WON’T try to crap in the same room as you. No expectations when you’re taking home randoms from a bathhouse.