A few months ago I decided to try out the world of Internet dating. Everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn’t I? I planned to meet one of my online “matches” for drinks at a bar near my place. He arrived first, and I was pleased he looked exactly like his picture. Mr. Match had already ordered a beer, so we exchanged pleasantries as I quickly ordered sangria. It had been about 12 hours since my last drink and I had to stop the shakes somehow!
As we began to discuss our demographics, families and other typical first date banter, I noticed he was drinking his beer rather quickly. And by rather quickly I mean he shot-gunned it and then smashed the bottle against his forehead. The waitress quickly ran over and asked him if he would like another.
“No,” he confidently said. “Just the check.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am no supermodel. But I’m not a hideous monster either. I have several redeeming qualities that usually buy me, at the very least, a second date. I have dimples and double Ds, for Pete’s sake!
I eyed the sangria angrily as I calculated the amount of time it would take me to finish that bad boy in time for the check to be paid. I began to chug my sangria, even as bits of fruit fell into my eye, almost rendering me blind. The Guzzler then handed me a napkin, paid the bill and off he went.
I, of course, went and met friends at a nearby bar to drown my troll face in a bucket of rum.
Dating Rule #4:
Looks are important. If the little guy can’t lift off, that’s going to be a problem. But at the very least PRETEND someone’s personality matters as well. Cutting a date short without even letting your alcoholic date finish her drink is akin to ripping out her heart. If you don’t like the way I look, I can deal with it. But at least let me get a buzz. You do realize the drunker I get the easier I get, right?