New Year’s Eve = time to party. I mean, I’m getting older and really can’t hang like I used to. I was even contemplating staying in on New Year’s Eve this past year, but some friends planned a dinner and I figured it would be low key enough for my old, wrinkly ass.
Until I managed to polish off a bottle of red wine at dinner.
Our dinner reservation wasn’t until nine and, unfortunately, the restaurant was a tad late getting us all set up. By the time we finished dinner it was almost midnight. We contemplated celebrating the clock turning on the street, but then found a nearby bar and ran in there instead.
The countdown started…5, 4, 3, 2…hooray!!! Horns were blown, kisses and hugs were received and, of course, I shared some tears. When you realize the atrocities going on in the world around you, one can’t help but feel really lucky. I’m surrounded by some pretty amazing people who for whatever reason love me a lot. I’m so grateful for that.
A small group of us stayed around to party late into the night. I was starting to feel a little feisty and noticed a becoming gentleman sitting in a booth nearby. I plopped down next to him and began to regal him with stories about how big my ass was.
The night before I had attended Eve of the Eve and worn a dress that looked like I was smuggling in two ham hocks. I think I still had my large derriere on the brain and figured this would mightily impress him.
He was leaving to go to another party so he got my number and immediately started texting me, saying he was regretting leaving me. Unfortunately, I have a VERY short-term memory and couldn’t remember his name. He is in my phone as Hot Cullens.
I usually put people in my phone with their last name being where I met them. I had an awful lot of people from the Carol family, so then started to switch to how they looked. This has included a Matt Tall and a Nick Beard.
Apparently in the new year I decided to combine the two. Awesome.
I left the bar soon after, and we continued to text through the night. When I couldn’t fall asleep after I got home, I decided to have a dance party in my kitchen instead.
All while texting him.
My phone has a weird problem where if someone texts me a video I can’t open it at all. If someone sends me a picture it usually takes a while for it to download.
The next day I woke up and started going through my text messages. Cue the groaning. Honestly, I have gotten a ton better about drunk texting. I never drunk dial anymore, but there are the occasional drunk texts, which normally never make sense anyway. I just hope the recipients are somewhat amused the next day.
As I was going through the messages I realized he had sent me a picture so I opened it.
Then proceeded to freak out.
He texted me a picture of his dick. Seriously. A picture of his dick.
It’s semi-flacid and over a toilet.
What. The. Fuck!!!!! How do I meet these guys????
I instantly started freaking out thinking if I had only opened this picture last night I would not have continued with my drunken dialogue.
First of all, I mean, most men realize their junk is completely disgusting, right? I mean, it’s not pretty. It looks gross. There are weird flaps of skin…and hair…and more skin.
Seeing a picture of your semi-flacid dick does NOTHING for me.
ESPECIALLY when it’s over a toilet. I mean, if you’re going to take a picture of your dick and send it to some girl you JUST MET, wouldn’t you pick a more appealing background? Like, perhaps, a white sand beach or maybe even with the skyline behind it.
You send me a picture of your semi-flacid dick over a toilet. The only thing that would have made it better is if the toilet had some urine or maybe even a turd floating around in there.
Don’t send pictures of your junk to a girl. Ever.
Because you know what? A bar full of people is going to see that picture and pass it around laughing hysterically the next day.
I honestly blame myself somewhat because if I hadn’t gone over to him waving my rump in the air perhaps he would not have gotten the wrong idea.
What kind of grown-ass man thinks sending a picture of his dick OVER A TOILET is going to get him laid?
NEWSFLASH: It’s not.
There is nothing like ringing in a new year with a picture of some random guy’s dick. Oh yeah. It’s going to be a good year.
Sidenote: About a week after this dick incident I got ANOTHER dick picture message from a DIFFERENT guy. He too sent a picture of his member over a dirty toilet.
He also told me he wanted to do dirty things to me.
Um, by dirty things did you mean have me clean up the brown-stained urinal you’re currently standing over?
My response? I sent him back a picture of the FIRST dick and asked him if he wanted to swordfight. That outta’ do it.