I’ve discovered these stories sometimes just write themselves.
After being molested by a guy I met online a long time ago, I vowed never to do online dating again. That is, until a good friend of mine met online a great guy who has yet to slit her throat. I decided to dust off my profile status, figuring I had nothing to lose considering the non-committal types I currently was dating after meeting them drunk at a bar.
Has anyone ever written a dating profile for themselves? It sucks! They’re all the same!
“I like to travel!”
“I love to go out but also enjoy a night in!”
“I love my friends and family!”
Yeah, no shit.
This time I thought I’d just be blatantly honest yet quirky. “I like cheese. I have an unhealthy obsession with men from the 80s. I like talking about raping animals. I like talking about rape, period.”
Surprisingly, my profile got some hits. I started emailing with this guy who was very funny and whose pictures were cute.
He also wasn’t a pet owner, so I think he felt more at ease with the whole beastiality focus.
We talked once on the phone and made plans to meet for drinks. Unfortunately, I figured out that the day we had chosen was a Sunday before a Monday I had taken off work. Hmmm. Also, I had some friends who were planning to eat mass quantities of tacos at Big Star. And likely inhale lots of beer and whiskey. I quickly made up some excuse and cancelled a few days before. When weighing tacos from Big Star/binge drinking against meeting some dude I met on the Internet, I always go with tacos.
I seriously LOVE Mexican food. If you were to give me the option to have sex with John Stamos or have a delicious taco, burrito, queso or guacamole, sadly I would probably chose indigestion and gas over steamy sex with one of my favorite celebrities.
I’m getting old.
Anyways, my date didn’t seem that concerned about me canceling and responded with an email asking me some questions, including what my “type” is, what I’m looking for, etc. I HATE these questions. Ideally, I know what I’m looking for and what I want. But in reality, it all comes down to chemistry.
I was recently enamoured with a guy who, on our first date, told me I had nice earlobes and, after telling him a story about how bad a driver I was, he asked me, “Well, what are you good at?” What an awkward question! Ideally, I would like to be with someone who doesn’t give strange compliments and ask questions that are impossible to answer. But you know what? There was chemistry so I didn’t CARE about his lisp. I didn’t CARE about his affinity for young boys. I didn’t CARE that he spanked me every couple seconds.
I’m kidding (well, except about the spanking). But seriously, I don’t have a list of characteristics that I check off. It’s just a feeling, it’s not a list. I mean, who ISN’T looking for someone who is a good person? Someone who makes you laugh? Someone who is intelligent? But it’s all relative to what you think is funny or smart or good.
Long story short (too late!), I responded with some vague answer about chemistry and being polite and asked him the same question, thinking maybe he’s into answering questions like this. His response?
This is his ACTUAL response. For REAL.
“Basically, it’s chemistry like you said. If I had to pick a few things? Speaks with a smile more often than not. Someone that will look at me when I’m talking to her. Not afraid to hold hands, hug and kiss in public. Low-key kissing, the tonguing and face-sucking is better for indoors. Someone that’s not afraid to try new things. I don’t mean to focus on the physical, but kissing is really important. Have you heard about the cold fish handshake? If not, it’s basically a weak-gripped flopping around of a handshake rather than a firm-gripped hearty one. I really want the firm-gripped hearty kiss. Tongues in each others’ mouths, little sucking sounds when our lips lock together and then pull apart. I didn’t mean to go quite that in depth, just kinda came out.”
Ok, first of all, this IS an email. Meaning nothing can just “come out.” I’m not sure how familiar you may be with the whole “electronic mail” phenomena, but with email, you have the option to reread things, edit things, delete things before the communication is sent to the other party. And by things I mean basically that whole paragraph. Nothing will just “slip out.”
Second of all, I don’t know ANYTHING about you. But now I know the specific details of the kiss you prefer?
Newsflash: Why don’t we meet FIRST and figure out whether we even want to kiss one other? If we do, why don’t we … I don’t know … KISS … and then you decide if you like it?
What if I’m not into “firm-gripped kisses,” what if I like to flop my tongue around like a dead fish?
What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You?
Just imagine, if he is writing me about this shit BEFORE we meet, what other kind of kinky sex stuff is he into once he’s comfortable?
Don’t go into VERY specific particulars about how you like to be kissed before even meeting someone. Not to mention, when someone asks you what you’re looking for, don’t focus ONLY on the physical part.
Because you know what it makes me think? That you’re only into the physical part and I’ve been there, done that.
And no, we never did go on a date. I was too creeped out.