As I’ve said before, I’m pretty open to setups. Especially when it’s by someone who I trust and knows me well.
Months before I was introduced to a friend of my friend’s fiancee. This friend was living out of the state at the time, but was in town visiting for the weekend. We spent about 20 minutes talking, but I had to leave to go meet some other friends.
He asked for my number, but I said I wasn’t interested in starting anything long distance. I can barely make relationships work when you live a few blocks away, let alone a few states! He informed me that he was actually looking for jobs in Chicago. Call me if you find one then!
Well, guess who moved here several months later?
My friend was anxious to get us in the same room together. Unfortunately, I had other plans every time she mentioned us all getting together. I’ll see him at your wedding, no worries!
One Friday after work we decided to grab a flight of wine and some cheese with another friend of ours. I was floating on cloud 9. Anything that involves cheese basically dictates a pretty awesome evening.
However, in this case, even cheese couldn’t save me.
My friend informed me that it just so happened her fiancee was out with the new Chicago transplant and “what a small world” perhaps we should all meet up for a drink?
We met up for a drink and again I found myself chatting with him. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I got back everyone was putting on their jackets except the friend. In between yawns my friend informed me, “Oh yeah, we’re so tired. We’re going to head home.” Mr. Transplant looked at me and asked if I’d like to stay out for another drink? I willingly obliged, as it wasn’t even 9 p.m. yet. The night was young!
He then informed me that he was sick of being in his work clothes and would I mind if we ventured to his place so he could change, he just lives up the street? My red flag was instantly alerted, as I didn’t want this guy to get the wrong idea. We just met!
“That’s fine,” I stated, “as long as the understanding is that you are just changing and then we are leaving to go back out. I’m not planning on hanging out at your place.” He assured me that he just wanted to change, so we made our way to his place.
He had recently moved so the apartment was sparse. What I did notice right away was the very powerful pot smell. “Did you guys smoke pot before you went out tonight?” I asked, confused.
“Oh no, I smoked a bit last night,” he assured me. Really dude? Might want to crack a window or something. Smells like you just kicked Cheech and Chong out of your place a few minutes before.
I sat down on the couch, leaving my coat and scarf on, with my purse on my shoulder. “Let me give you a tour,” he said. We were barely two steps into the kitchen before he was grabbing me and kissing away while his hands quickly made a bee line for under my jacket. He started grabbing in places that haven’t been touched since the Reagan administration.
“Ok, ok maybe you should go get changed,” I said as I gently pushed him away. So then he would walk into his bedroom and come back out to passionately grab me and fling me into the nearest wall or counter.
I seriously had my jacket on. If that isn’t sign enough that I’m not looking to get comfortable, I don’t know what is. As I found my place back on the couch he yelled out from the bedroom, “I don’t know what jeans to wear. Come help me decide.”
How big of a decision are we talking here? Do I bomb Japan or do I not bomb Japan? Do I sign this huge healthcare reform bill that will affect millions of people or do I not? Seriously, picking out jeans? It’s not that complicated.
I warily made my way into the bedroom to find him holding two pairs of jeans. I picked out a pair that he then informed me had a little hole in them so he decided to go with the other pair. Again, why did you need my help??? You didn’t even go with the pair I liked better!
At this he began disrobing and, at a loss for what to do, I just stood there uncomfortably trying not to watch him. I’ve known you like 30 minutes of your life. I don’t really need the whole boxer, white legs, socks visual.
As he’s standing there in his boxer briefs he then looked down at himself and said, “Wow, I’m really hard.”
“Um yeah, I kinda see that,” I said as I looked away. I also felt it as you were mashing it against my winter coat. Which reminds me, I really must now take it to the cleaners.
I left the room and waited anxiously in the living room.
I’m still not sure WHY I stuck around. WHY???
After throwing me into the closet and up against a door and wall, I finally got through to him and he agreed to leave the apartment.
I suggested a nearby dive bar that I liked. Unfortunately, this bar was cash only. And guess who didn’t have any cash?
I ended up buying two rounds of drinks. Praise be to God, we ran into some of his co-workers and sat with them. The whole time we were there (roughly 45 minutes) all he could talk about was getting me back to his place. I continued to tell him that I was NOT going back to his place. He didn’t seem to get it, as he continued to persist.
“You seem annoyed,” he said to me after awhile. “I am,” I said back.
One of his co-workers lived near me so when I found out she was leaving, I jumped up and informed him I was going to split a cab with her. I ran and hopped into the cab without as much as a phone number.
So, to summarize, I talked to someone for about 30 minutes, got bamboozled to go back to his house, was fondled, and then I bought HIM drinks.
First of all, don’t assume that after knowing someone for less than an hour that it’s ok to jump on her like a dog in heat. It’s not respectful.
Second of all, if you trick a girl to come to your house to “change” so that you get her to make out with you, at least be cognizant of her reaction. If she leaves her coat on and keeps retreating to the room farthest from you, she is not looking to have her crevices explored by the likes of your fingers.
Third of all, if you have a HUGE BONER, there is no need to admire it and then verbally point it out. Unless your date is blind or has no sense of touch. When you’re pitching a tent, yeah, it’s something we notice.
And last but not least, if you are a girl who was just dry humped all over some dude’s apartment, DO NOT buy that person drinks! It’s just reinforcement for his bad behavior.
What the FUCK is my problem???