As I’ve mentioned before, I realize that I’m not alone in having some pretty horrific dating stories. Anyone who has been single for a significant amount of time has gone on at least one date or 20 where suicide was contemplated. (Image of me, hands flailing in the air, blood-curdling scream emitting from my open terrified mouth, running wildly from the strange man seated across from me, as I head toward the kitchen and plunge my head into the closest oven.)
A friend of mine recently opted to try the online dating thing. She is creative, sweet and interesting. It doesn’t hurt that she gets mistaken for Kirsten Dunst quite frequently either (minus the snaggle tooth, of course!) So basically, how hard could it be to find someone seemingly normal.
On one of her first dates, she was wined and dined by an attractive fellow. Now, I should mention that my friend is not a drinker. She may have a mimosa at brunch on occasion, but overall booze is not her vice of choice. How she is able to maintain a friendship with me is a mystery I contemplate on a daily basis.
So anyway, on the date she realized rather quickly that her dinner companion liked to consume alcohol. In fact, he drank nine Bacardi and Cokes on the date. They actually dated for a few weeks. On every date, he would drink no less than nine Bacardi and Cokes.
Every date. Ever time was Bacardi and Coke.
I get the rum addiction, guy, I do. But you don’t vary it up at all? My liver gets tired of the same ‘ol march toward death. At least mix it up a bit!
Back to their first date: As dinner progressed, he began to ask her some very interesting and thought-provoking questions such as, “You’re not a virgin, are you???” as well as “Soooo…have you ever thought about trying the whole lesbian thing?”
God bless her, she was open-minded and continued to date him for some time. To be honest, I’m not sure how she stayed sober during their dates. Just hearing about the situation makes me want to grab the nearest mouthwash and down it in one foul swoop.
I’m not going to go into each and every one of their dates, but just to summarize here are some interesting tidbits she was lucky to hear about him and his life. In regards to his career, he apparently owned 10 different businesses. He was never able to communicate with any intelligence what any of these businesses were. Although he mentioned he owned a “prescription drug company,” which apparently was under investigation by the FBI. Red flags two and three.
He ALWAYS talked about his Mom being a 1966 Playboy playmate, even SHOWING HER THE ISSUE. Seriously. He showed my friend his mom’s tits on date number two. (I hoped upon hope that the copy was not at all sticky.) Red flag four.
He also bragged about his Mom being good friends with Sharon Tate and that gem of a man, Roman Polanski. Literally.
He. Bragged. About. His. Mom. Being. Friends. With. Roman. Polanski.
He went so far as to call his mom on speaker phone, not telling her that my friend was in the room, asking her all sorts of questions about their sordid relationship. Red flags five, six and seven.
As you can see, my friend is very open-minded.
The kicker for her was when he started very aggressively pushing her to get intimate. She was hesitant about getting physical with him for the very obvious reasons outlined above. So not only was he the gentleman who pushed the issue of her sleeping with him (seriously guys, when she wants to, she will! It shouldn’t take convincing), but he did it over text.
Class Act. When she again informed him that she wasn’t ready, his response was “WWJD?”
Seriously dude? What would Jesus do? Hmm, I might have to check the New Testament for this one, but pretty sure Jesus would NOT sleep with a drug-dealing drunk who asks inappropriate questions, shows dates his mom’s rack, and brags about his mom being friends not only with an unfortunate victim of the Manson Family but also a child rapist.
I’m sorry, a famous child rapist.
Ok, not going to lie, having a mom who was in Playboy probably got you some mad street cred. But to show your date who you’ve only known a week your mom’s boobs? Sorry, that’s just plain weird. It’s odd enough you have a copy on hand in your house, let alone show people you are just getting to know.
And it’s ridiculous to think that you could convince a girl to sleep with you by asking “What Would Jesus Do?” Seriously? Seriously? What Would Jesus Do?
Um, probably Jesus would pray for your soul. Jesus would not bend over and let you do him doggie-style.