When planning an engagement party, there are several things you need to put on your checklist: Make sure the bride’s ring is sparkly and nails freshly done, display a few pictures of the engaged couple, be able to tell people some of your wedding plans and, last but not least, invite your friend with a drinking problem to an “all you can drink” three-hour party.
Before my friend’s said engagement party last summer, a bunch of us decided to have dinner at a nearby sushi BYOB. Of course, I arrived with a bottle of red in hand. The problem? No one else was drinking the red wine. The guys were drinking beer and another friend was drinking white wine.
So I proceeded to drink the entire bottle of red wine by myself. I mean, I couldn’t waste it! As you are all well aware, sushi is pretty light fare. There wasn’t a whole lot of soaking up the booze going on.
We arrived at the party around 9, at which time I’m feeling no pain. I went through the process: Fawned over the ring, looked at the pictures from the trip where they got engaged and asked questions about the impending nuptials.
I also had quite a big opportunity to embarrass my two good friends by assaulting their family and friends who I’ve never met before.
One of the bride-to-be’s friend’s boyfriend was keeping to himself at the bar. He had a beard and some long hair. Bullseye. Apparently I sauntered over to him, leaned seductively on the bar and said: “Are you a rapist?”
“What?!” he barked. (Mind you, I am a stranger, yet to be introduced.)
“Are you a raaapist?” I asked again.
“No, I’m not a rapist!” he responded quickly, eyes narrowed in confusion.
“If you’re a rapist, you can rape me,” I stated with a smile.
I noted that the groom-to-be was overhearing this conversation, so I proceeded to lean in his direction as I pointed with my thumb to the “rapist” and explained matter-of-factly, “He’s a rapist.”
I then decided to spread the word around the party that Beardy McBearderson was a rapist. Fortunately, his girlfriend had a sense of humor and happened to find this hilarious.
When I found out what I said a few days later, I wish I had quite the same sense of humor about the situation.
Moral of the Story:
Don’t invite me to an “all you can drink” party and also at the same party invite your family or close friends who do not like to binge drink.
1. Offend one of them by calling him or her a dangerous attacker, AKA felon worthy of jail time
2. Grab the boobs of some well-endowed girl who happened to be wearing a low-cut shirt
3. Lift my dress up to show my pink coral underwear
Just think of the damage I will do at your wedding!
I’m hired by the hour, so feel free to keep me in mind for your next big event. That includes Jewish Bris, funerals and, of course, children’s birthday parties.