GAS MAN
So I had just gone on another particularly average date with a guy I met at a bar at 5 a.m. This was probably my first mistake. We went to see the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine.” I happen to love the 80s and thankfully had decided to emulate the Flock of Seagulls hair swoop for our date.
As the movie came to a close and we got up from our seats GM turned to me and loudly said, “I bet you have to fart.”
Now, I wouldn’t say I’m a lady in EVERY sense of the word. But when it comes to flatulence, I try to shy away … at least on the first date. I nervously giggled and pretended I didn’t hear him. Obviously this was something he felt very strongly about, as he repeated it again but this time much more demanding: “I. BET. YOU. HAVE. TO. FART.”
If I had my wits about me, I probably would have just let one rip right there and high-fived him. Instead, I chose to ignore the statement completely, thinking the gas talk would be over.
I was wrong.
As we left the theater, GM nervously grabbed my hand and gazed adoringly into my eyes. I thought to myself, “Perhaps this guy isn’t so bad after all!” Slowly smiling, he then leaned over to me and whispered, “I have a pocket of air in my lower intestine. I’m going to need to nurse this one out.” He then smiled a little wider and squeezed my hand a little harder. In a state of shock, I quickly go through the various ways I can escape GM as our arms swing hand in hand. I decided my best bet is to gnaw my arm off and run, leaving him holding my self amputated stump. He then boasted to me, “My friends call me the Gas Man. It’s because I fart a lot.”
Thank you for clarifying Gas Man. I was hoping they called you that because you used to work at Nicor.
Dating Rule #1:
Do NOT talk about gas on a first date. Unless it involves a dental procedure, girls do not want to hear about it. Although you may be quite proud about your Silent But Deadly ability, this will not get you laid. And it especially will not get you a second date.
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28 Comments for GAS MAN
I will faithfully follow your adventures in dating! This post made me laugh from beginning to end! Keep blogging!
Finally something interesting for me to read @ work…I am laughing out loud….but should I be crying?Looking forward to the next installment of
“It’s Not That Complicated”..Or is it?LYLT/Mom
Hilarious Leigh…I am so impressed with your witty writing! I shall live vicariously through you….gotta go…have to fart!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. umm, you should be used to that tho… they say every girl looks for someone like their dad… LMAO… HYSTERICAL
Leigh–this is hilarious…I plan on tuning in each week for a new story!!
Oh man, I am soooo sorry that I encouraged you to date this guy. But at least you got a good story out of it.
I’m crying from laughing so hard! I can hardly believe GM exists! Can’t wait for more stories Leighski!
This is HILARIOUS!
Leigh, I’m going to keep reading : )
I can literally hear your uncomfortable giggle in response to GM’s comments about nursing the pocket of air in his lower intestine…I laughed so hard I almost peed…can’t wait for more!
You’ve got to give the guy credit for allowing you an opportunity to break wind in his presence. I know women who would kill for the courtesy…keep me tuned in!
Haha, this is great Leigh.
Eyes watering from laughing so hard….you are so funny!!!!
Leigh, you are a great story teller! Too bad there is so much truth behind it. Thanks for keeping us laughing 
This is awesome. And really hits home since I too have been on a similar first date. We went out for ice cream and I ordered an ice-based flavour (rather than cream-based) and he asked why. I told him I’m lactose intolerant. He responded by making farting noises. I said “no, not that kind of lactose intolerant”. He said “yeah suuureee” and continued making farting noises. Overall, not the best first date I’ve ever had. I can’t wait to hear more of your date stories!
Fantastic first posting Leigh- what a winner this one was! Can not wait to read your blog!
Farting rules! Can I get Gas Man’s number?
You just made my day. I’m definitely going to follow this one!
Oh Leigh. This is hillarious. I look forward to reading this weekly!
OH my god, you are too funny! Can’t wait to hear more!
Your grammar is exquisite. Keep it up.
Silent But Deadly Not Equal to TRUE LOVE??? Sadness.
love the hair!
Laughing so hard I cried and almost peed. David made me read it out loud. This will be my first blog that I follow.
Leigh you REALLY need to have your own reality show if these are the types of guys you go on dates with!!
Leigh, thanks for sharing these. Your mom was right, hilarious and astonishing…funny how I wish there was more to read about this guy.
Brilliant!!
Hilarious! Looking forward to gearing more misadventures in your love life.