I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned in prior posts the size of my ass. Recap: It’s not small.
It’s large and it’s in charge. It also likes for me to feed it vast amounts of cheese and anything Mexican. How else is it supposed to stay so large? I give the ass what it wants because, once again, it’s in charge. Men may think with their dicks, but I think with my ass.
Which is a bit of an issue, if you really think about it.
You would think I would have a relatively easy time riding a bicycle as a result of all this mass following me around. I bought a really nice bicycle last summer and, in a year’s time, I can count on one hand how many times I have ridden that thing. Ironically enough, it hurts my butt! It gives me pain in strange places! How do people do it???
I’ve also likely mentioned in prior posts my penchant for sweating. I know many people who have met their significant others at the gym. Anyone who has ever seen me work out probably can list at least 20 reasons why I would NEVER meet someone at a facility that requires any kind of quick movement.
First of all, I have oodles of cute, nice workout clothes. Yet I continue to wear the same yellow pit-stained, oversized shirts and baggy shorts that I pull down basically under my belly. Thankfully, my oversized shirts hide this. Don’t ask me why I continue to wear these clothes.
I also sweat relatively easy. I like to think that men find this attractive, as it reminds them of what I may or may not look like while rolling around in the sack. If I ever glance at myself in the mirror after a workout, I’m reminded that the only way they could possibly be attracted to my sweating is if they are blind. I can walk up the stairs and look like I just went down a slip n’ slide.
My body also rebels when I work out and sends all the blood to my face. And no, I’m not talking running a marathon type of working out. I’m talking about a quick walk to the porch for a cigarette and suddenly my face looks like I’m auditioning for the part of Sebastian in Little Mermaid (performed while sweating and panting).
Once again, hot mess.
Back to my story: My new job requires me to spend a lot of time in the car. And I’m a windows-down kind of girl. This may or may not have to do with the fact that I love to feel a breeze in my hair and a cigarette in my hand.
It also may have to do with the fact that my air conditioning doesn’t properly work. I took it to get fixed and it worked for maybe a week before it went back to normal. Normal meaning it basically spits heat at me.
So, I prefer to keep the windows down.
I had offered to bring in lunch for one of my customers who was about an hour away. I drove out there, picked up the food and arrived at the office on time. I noticed that I had some major sweat marks going on in the front of my skirt due to my seatbelt.
I hoped the bag of food would hide it successfully, which it did.
I also cursed at myself for not remembering the reason why this skirt was hidden away at the back of my closet. Let’s just say, it was the kind of skirt to show sweat stains pretty easily. It was thin and light colored. That was something this Greek girl did NOT need.
As I began to unpack the food, I realized I had a big problem, Chili’s had forgotten to include one of the salads!!! I began to panic, which started the sweating all over again in a major way.
I apologized about a million times and called Chili’s while I raced over there to make sure they had that salad ready when I got there.
Unfortunately, there was traffic, which meant my car was moving slow, which meant there was no breeze.
I quickly ran into Chili’s and picked up my free salad, and raced back to my car to sit in more traffic as I made my way back to the customer.
As I got out of my car, I had a sinking feeling in my gut. My ass feels a bit…damp. Like a dog chasing its tail, I twisted my head around to peek at my ass.
Oh no!!! My butt was completely drenched in sweat. What was I to do? It was about 100 degrees, I couldn’t tie anything around my waist. Not that I had anything to tie around my waist anyway. And my purse was too small to hide it.
I HAD to deliver this salad, though. I decided I wouldn’t go completely into the office and instead would leave it with the receptionist.
“Hello again!” she greeted me. “Feel free to go on back!”
I quickly explained I didn’t want to disturb her again and asked if I could leave it there for her.
“Nah, go on back, she won’t mind!”
At this, I attempted a sideways walk, trying my best to hide my ass against the wall.
I think this only succeeded in making them think I had a drinking problem.
I do have a drinking problem, but my walk usually isn’t the thing that gives it away.
When you are spending a vast amount of time driving in your car and going to visit customers (which means actually having to look presentable), get your air conditioning fixed!!!
The only thing a soggy, sweaty ass tells the customer is that you’re disgusting.
And also showcases exactly how big that ass is.
It does not sell a thing.
Except possibly for adult diapers to mop up the sweaty condensation.