I hear a lot of shit. And because I decided I’m too lazy to turn some of this shit into individual stories, I’m going to entertain you with a compilation of lines I’ve heard while out being a sexy cat on the town.
With commentary by yours truly, of course.
First up, a holiday story. It’s December. I’m at a dive bar (shocking, I know). There was a guy there wearing an ugly Christmas sweater even though he was not in attendance at an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. As an added bonus, this sweater smelled like it had never been washed. Actually, it probably smelled more like it had been sat on by a bare-assed, over-the-road truck driver for about 10 years straight. So, obviously, Chris Cringle smelled wonderful. I’m pretty sure he also was rockin’ some man boobs. Don’t 100% believe me on that one, though, as the fumes coming off his stank-ass sweater were blurring my vision. Anyway, so Cringle leans in and says to me, AND I QUOTE:
“I could really hammer you home.”
I’m not sure if this line had been successful in the past on girls, but it made me think of a nail and a board…and a carpenter…shirtless…wearing a big…tool belt…fixing my…something…broken…or something…and sweating….and flexing…and…
OK, maybe this quote was more successful than I originally thought.
Next up, a message I received from a potential online suitor, AND I QUOTE:
Um, I don’t get it. Are the stars supposed to be like…something…like on me…like a body part? Like a nipple? Or something? What are you licking? And why do you feel it’s appropriate to virtually lick strangers? He was actually really attractive (if that was in fact him) and twenty-three years old (if that was in fact his age). I’m sure he lived at home with his parents. Do they know he’s virtually licking women a decade older than him?
And what is that emoticon all about? I mean, we both know you aren’t ACTUALLY licking me. Are you joking about wanting to lick me? Are you winking at me because you know I’ll like the lick because you’re such a good licker? Do you really just have something in your eye? WHAT? TELL ME SO I CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT!
And, if for some reason I decided I was actually interested in this young man (who wouldn’t be?), what is the correct response? A lick back seemed mundane. A slurp would just be plain disgusting. Smack? Suck? Milk your prostrate? SOMEONE TELL ME!
Moving on. So another dude contacted me online and said he thought I was beautiful, would like to get to know me, blah, blah, blah. Strangely, he also asked me to read over a certain section of his profile and let him know if I thought it was weird.
Never a good sign when you need a stranger to tell you if something is weird. If you care that much, you’re not only insecure, but also likely a freak. Like “collects human skin” kind of freak.
On Buffalo Bill’s profile, the first line says it’s VERY IMPORTANT to read a certain section of his profile. Unfortunately, his profile reads pretty similar to War and Peace. Seriously, this thing is a novel.
Hey Bill, if you have something important you want others to know about you, PUT IT FIRST.
So I skip to the VERY IMPORTANT section about him, AND I QUOTE:
“Everyone has their weird thing, and YOU get a lot of bonus points if you have a thing for black guys! It would be good if you still like white a little since otherwise that would leave me out!”
Honestly, I found this truly baffling. You are a white guy who wants a girl who likes black men? What the what? WHY?
Do you also have a thing for black men, so are seeking the above girl so you can, like, talk all kinky together about black dudes? Are you hung like a black dude so you want to make sure someone can “handle” you?
Color me baffled, Buffalo Bill.
Don’t talk to me.
Don’t email me.
I will make fun of you and post it on the Internet.