As much as I make fun of myself for being phat, I really am quite active. I consistently work out about five times a week, usually running and some sort of toning. I have a bit of exercise ADD, though, and often try new workout crazes, be it boxing, CrossFit, Bar Method, Binge & Purge … you name it, I’ve tried it. There is one class I always go back to, though – cardio dancing. My favorite is cardio strip tease.
Now, don’t get your feathers all ruffled. It does not involve poles, and the clothes remain on. I always carry a small desire to try a pole dancing class, but I think the ramifications could be disastrous. I have drunkenly humped my fair share of street sign poles, meter poles, bike lock poles … I mean … if I actually knew what I was doing? That would be trouble. More marketable? Yes. More likely to bruise and/or fracture something? Also yes.
This cardio strip tease class includes a warm-up, learning a routine, and then “performing” the routine over and over again as the songs get progressively faster. I should inform you that I actually do have rhythm and have no problem shaking my thang on the dance floor. A lot of these moves are supposed to be sexy. Key words: “supposed to be.”
Personally, I try NOT to glance at myself in the mirror during class. The sight of me sweating and panting in an oversized shirt I’ve had since my senior prom and yoga pants is NOT sexy. The only good part of catching glimpses of myself is that I usually lose my appetite for the remainder of the evening. Is that what I actually look like when I’m doing a body roll??? It looks like two pigs are fighting under a blanket!
Long story short, a lot of the moves in the routine are not meant for public consumption. At least when I am performing them.
Cue my good friend’s bachelorette party last fall. This is the friend I attend dance class with. We are out partaking in party time events, having a grand time. I am progressively getting drunker and more carefree with my movements. I then have the bright idea to re-enact some of our recent dance class routine. I proceed to shout her name and point at her from across the bar. At this, I gracefully fall to the floor as I seductively grind my pelvis up and down. For those of you who have listened to “Dangerous on the Dance Floor,” the song was basically talking about me at this moment. I was a porno flick on the dance floor! All eyes turn to my gyrations as men start throwing me their numbers and clamoring to buy me drinks.
I basically belly flopped to the floor and proceeded to look like an epileptic having a seizure. I should mention that during my convulsions my dress flew up, flashing my bare ass to the bar. A nice woman rushed over saying “I’m a nurse, I’m a nurse!” as she attempted to stop the spasms with a tranquilizer gun and a straight jacket she had quickly fashioned out of drink napkins.
Moral of the Story:
First of all, if you’re planning to writhe around on the floor, it’s probably a good idea to wear full-brief underwear. Second of all, if you don’t want to be rushed to the hospital, do NOT attempt the worm or some sort of floor-humping variation. People may point and shout in hysterics, but you will not be getting any suitors’ numbers. At least from people who are NOT in the medical field.