At my old company, we had an annual holiday party. This party usually was a luncheon at a swanky downtown restaurant, meaning it included a great meal and loads of wine or beer. I attended this party every year for six years, which equals six opportunities to teeter on the bridge of termination.
This story will be more of a compilation of me being a drunken fool. And no, unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like I learn anything from one year to the next.
I had only been employed by the company for one week when my first holiday party took place. I was nervous, didn’t know what to expect and didn’t...
About a block from my house is a very beautiful, old church. Although I have yet to see the inside of the church, I have great views of it from my apartment, especially from my porch.
I often can be found out on my porch breathing in the fresh air and contemplating life as I stare off into the distance at the church steeples. What is the meaning of life? Where did we come from? Who are we? Where are we going?
Usually the only reason I’m on my porch is to have the occasional cigarette. Hey! I might be contemplating life. You don’t know.
But usually I’m just contemplating...
Summer 2011 for me was, apparently, the summer of weddings. Plus side: Six weddings in a short time span is a really good way to 1) Have fun with your friends 2) Embarrass yourself profusely by getting way too drunk and, last but not least, 3) Get strange business cards from a foreigner.
When I arrived at one wedding in July, I knew it was going to be a good night when I saw the band setting up and recognized them from a wedding I had been to the month before. They were called Hey Jimmy. I proceeded to introduce myself while relatively sober, reminding them of the wedding I had been...
Time for another Australia story!
After departing the Outback, my friend and I arrived in Melbourne, which was a welcome sight after days of heat, hiking and sand. I remember being surprised at how cosmopolitan and diverse the city turned out to be. I mean, a large population of my people, Greeks and Middle Easterners, were there! All around me I saw well-groomed men with dark hair, dark skin, big brown eyes and so on … Mama likey! Especially after touring a desert with people who smelled faintly of moth balls and formaldehyde. Needless to say, I was ready to wrestle with some Mediterranean...
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned in prior posts the size of my ass. Recap: It’s not small.
It’s large and it’s in charge. It also likes for me to feed it vast amounts of cheese and anything Mexican. How else is it supposed to stay so large? I give the ass what it wants because, once again, it’s in charge. Men may think with their dicks, but I think with my ass.
Which is a bit of an issue, if you really think about it.
You would think I would have a relatively easy time riding a bicycle as a result of all this mass following me around. I bought a really nice bicycle last...
My good friends got married last April in St. Louis. Because it was an out-of-town wedding and I did not like any man in my life enough to commit to spending almost three days straight with him, I chose to go as a party of one. My other friend did the same.
The wedding was a blast. I met people that will surely be lifelong friends and, most likely, be part of the wedding party at my own wedding.
I also exaggerate.
I seriously made some best friends for that night, though, for sure … but have yet to talk to them again.
The wedded couple had set up an area during the reception to take...
I went through a brief stint of shoplifting in high school. We’ve all been there, right?
Well, I apparently was trying to decide which type of felon I would like to be. A thief was, thankfully, not in the cards.
I did steal two rings from one of those mall kiosks over the course of a month during my junior year in high school. My heart was pounding, I was sweating, adrenaline was pumping! I ended up losing both of these rings soon after I “borrowed” them. I felt a lot of guilt about my theft and figured it was God’s way of letting me know this behavior will not be tolerated.
When I was little, I was a midget football cheerleader. This required me to jump around one day a week in a cute little pleated skirt. Not much skill was involved. Hell, I’m not even sure we ever practiced. I basically would show up, wave my pom-pom like it was a snow globe, and eagerly take down the orange slices and juice boxes at half time.
My parents were REALLY proud.
Fast forward to sophomore year of high school. I opted to try out for basketball cheerleading, as I realized all the coveted football cheerleading spots already would be taken by girls way cooler than me. Not only were...
Having had one too many multiple-night stands with that herpes-infested slut Carol, it was time to find a new late-night haunt. Although it is ONLY open until 3 a.m. on Saturdays, Richard’s in West Town is a pretty good mistress … I mean replacement.
Sidenote: The last time I was there, Rocky the bartender let us stay after the bar closed and smoke AT THE BAR. Old-school green ashtrays and all! Although I don’t smoke much anymore, it felt really good to be smoking inside a drinking establishment. Especially in the dead of winter.
Cough, cough. Really good. Cough. Who’s cool now?
There are a lot of things I am not. Subtle? Not my strongest suit.
Graceful? If you think the lovechild of a rhino and a one-legged duck is graceful, then I’m your girl.
Fortunately for me (and all of you), I am a lot of things. One of which is fun. I love to have fun. I mean, I know most people THINK they like to have fun and are, in fact, having fun. But seriously, they’re not. If they’re not with me, they’re not really having fun.
Also, if you were wondering, modesty is not on the list of my character traits. I don’t really care. I’m self-aware.
And I’m a fucking...